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Rhett Butler naplója


Rhett Butler [320010 AL], gazdája Rhett Butler
2017-03-31 Falling For You

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A napló közvetlen linkje:
http://teveclub.hu/naplo/320010 		2017-03-31 Falling For You

I get scared sometimes. Scared of her backing out from this. But then she reassures me. She wants me just as much as I want her, and I do whatever I can to keep this going.

I have terrible thoughts sometimes. I'm afraid I will ruin her. But she might fix me.

I'm a lot more positive because of her. She made me feel better. My dad finally asked about her. Maybe because it was apparent I was better. Maybe I didn't have that depressed bullshit look in my eyes. And as I told him the story, I felt okay. I felt like the pain that used to hide behind those thoughts were sort of... gone. As if all the lies I kept telling myself finally began to fade away and for once, I wasn't telling my father some bullshit: I was telling the truth.

Not that's a novel right there.

Because the truth was that she wanted to be free after all those years and I was standing in the way of her happiness. Being with me was a lot of hard work and she did not want to invest that much effort into something that she didn't even wanted at that time.

I guess this whole time I kept repressing it an fighting with acceptance because once her idea is gone I have nothing to replace her. I kept seeing all those Peugeot 307's and all I could think about was her. Then, as I said goodbye to this girl and walked home, I saw one, in the exact same color and I felt... Okay.

See, depression is just a dimmer switch with a broken slide, constantly stuck at around 30% at best. Even when something breaks that barrier and you feel joy, it becomes strangely uncomfortable, as if it were unnatural for your mood to be above 30%.

I kept saying it, and people never understood: the only real path to healing is meeting someone new, and that's really damn hard in times like that. You're afraid to believe and you need a shitload of positive reinforcement.

I remember the moment I figured that this could actually be real. We were in the staircase, and she turned around and kissed me. She broke her own rules because she wanted more. I like this girl. I really do like her.

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